A personal collection of thoughts/insights/indulgences made in my quest for self-actualization or at least some glimmer of self-understanding… most likely made late at night while procastinating at the office.
An observation… closeted gay men date the most beautiful women.
Someone asked me ifthe picturefromthe previous blogwas Mary. Its not, I pulled it from the net, but its a dead ringer for her. Milky skin, incredible smile, flowing brown hair that cascaded down her back… and a personality that lights up a room and draws you to her. This got me thinking–when I was straight I didnt date much till grad school, but when I did date, the girl was always stunning.
My theory on this is that when a guy is in the closet, he sets an unattainable standard for the women he dates. I know I did that. It was the only way I could be safe in the relationship. There was always a way out because there was something that didnt quite meet this unrealistic standard.
The last two women I dated before I came out to myself and eventually to my friends and family are were stunning people too.
Amy was a blind date in college. The original date was adisaster, then about 4 years after the blind date we met back up and actually started dating. She was beginning med school and I was back in grad school to get my MBA. We connected over a spring break when everyone else was out of town. I invited her over to watch some movies and cook some dinner. She was a southern baptist preachers daughter, she was homecoming queen in college, and is now a pediatric neurosurgeon. She was my parents wet-dream of a daughter-in-law. She was the complete meal deal and seriously, if you arent attracted to that, then youve got to be gay.
Shinez was an incredibly sexy Turkish girl who I met through my roommate from grad school and his wife. Shinez and her were roommates when they were working in Istanbul, but UCLA grad school had brought her to the states and an internship had brought her to Dallas. Exotic and European, she had the beauty of an Italian movie starlet, the sexy accent of a french lover, and the spontaneous wild side that came with her from California. Again, if you cant be turned on by that, then it causes you to question so many things about yourself.
If youre gay, and a generally masculine guy who maybe came out later in life to himself or maybe isnt even out at all to the world around you. Think about it. Are the women you date the cream of the crop? The exceptional? The amazing?We set the bar so high in an effort to sabotage the relationship. This rescues us from it progressing and us having to make a commitment that we know our heart isnt into.This one isnt hot enough. That one isnt smart enough. Shes not adventuresome… shes not romantic… she doesnt like strawberry ice cream… shes not this or that. What ends up happening is–through process of elimination–you are dating virtually perfect people: smart, beautiful, fun, everything that everyone could want… but they arent perfect for you because youre gay. And no one around you understands why youre breaking up with these amazing people.
Thats how I handled it. I kept on finding a flaw or some reason that I couldnt fall in love with them when it was nothing wrong with them and actually something with me.
Ive talked to my buddies about this, and its a pattern. We all dated amazing women. Ive seen the pictures! Our exs are all HOT women! Theyre brain surgeons! They run marathons and speak five languages. Yet we always find an excuse to keep it from going to that next level. You eventually run out of excuses for it not working. When I came out, one of the best parts was I could be honest with people about my old relationships and why things didnt work with Amy or Shinez or Darcy or Caroline or Kate or any of the other amazing people I have dated.
lol, well maybe its different for guys like me who went and ahead and actually went through with it. I recently told a friend I havent seen in 10 years that I was gay and he was like Fuck me, thats how you were with HER, I always wondered how you could find her attractive . . . and hes right. I knew I wasnt attracted to her, it was an emotional thing . . . dating hot women would probably have been much more confusing! 🙂
I am still in love with a guy after he left me for every excuse in the book and I couldnt do enough to make him happy, no matter what and I consider myself a catch and am pretty and have good traits. I have been told by many people including his best friend who butt dialed him on accident when he met me and said ( at least hes not gay) I also found many things he did that made ms question his sexuality. I havs kids who he seemed to only love in the end and I did everything for him that any straight guy would beg for in a woman. He eventually left me and the next day he did, he acted like I meant nothing and does till this day. He broke up with me and started hanging out with his old roommate Joey who is a gay man. I cant get over him and it makes me so sad because I thought we were meant to be and even if he is gay how do you just say goodbye to that? Hes still the guy you fell in love with your kids love. 🙁
I am the type of woman you would have dated, and I have to say I have found myself in a situation dating a handsome, smart, open-minded, charming and confident closeted gay man more than once. Of course they had a couple more stereotypically feminine qualities, but I am open-minded and believe in the fluidity of sexuality and sense of self. They were also amazing lovers, so who could argue with that! I stumbled upon this thread because its becoming a trend for me. Though its flattering to think its because I met some unobtainable standards, its starting to make me question myself.
Hey, this is quite informative article. I am a bisexual man and have been usingGay Social Networkfrom a long time I have various female friends but I have never attempted dating any women. People should never play with anyones feelings.
No mention at all of the path of destruction and the damage this does to those beautiful and successful women. So glad you came to a point of honesty, but gosh. What a mess.
Really great news!!! this information is well worth looking everyone. Good tips. I will be sharing this with all of my friends! Thank you for sharing valuable information.
Yeah, that is good insight for yourself and Im glad you gay men are being honest with yourselves on your true identity.
I am definitely questioning why I have attracted and been attracted to closeted gay men. The most defining relationships Ive had have been with these types. One relationship took me years to figure out and get over.
Is it me who is a lesbian and doesnt know it? WTF? Ive been with women before, but Im not sure if that is where my heart really is….What part of me is unavailable? Straight men scare me, so I feel its safe to be with gay men? Or is it that I am too much of a people pleaser and am trying to take on their unacceptance of themselves because of religion, or culture. I am a Latina and these relationships have been like that too, some sort of meeting the expectations of society……
Okay, thanks for the insight into yourselves, and all I can do is keep exploring my inner self to see what has been going on. Im ready to release this for good.
If your man is pushing you away and acting distant
Or if the guy youre after isnt giving you the time of day…
Then its time to pull out all the stops.
Because 99% of the time, there is only 1 thing you can say to a standoffish guy that will grab him by the heartstrings-
And get his blood pumping at just the thought of you.
Insert subject line here and link it to:Your ex wont be able to resist?
Once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message…
It will flip his world upside down and you will suddenly find him chasing you-
Insert subject line here and link it to:Is your man hiding something? He may need your help?